I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
