woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
