The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
