ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
