We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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