He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
tequila makes me forget i have legs
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
