Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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