Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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