i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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