Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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