I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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