Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
