About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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