There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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