I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
