so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
