I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
