Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
