im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
