worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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