Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
She announced her abortion via fbk
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
