You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
