he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
