Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
