well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Man, jail baloney is awful.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
