i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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