May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
