I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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