I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
