Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize