I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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