You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
