DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
