Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
