We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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