I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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