I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
