Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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