You're my little dorito
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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