did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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