I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
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