the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
