Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
