I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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