The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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