fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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