seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
