Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
The uberlube is also flammable
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
