oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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