How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Randomize