Apparently you make a good broom.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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