Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
