My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize