I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Randomize
