I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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