Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
