somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Randomize
