allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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