she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Sorry my hands just texted you
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
