i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize