i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
