I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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